blabbedy blah

life always feels better when you are concentrating on other people's problems rather than facing your own.

but life IS better when you are facing your own problems instead of concentrating on the problems other people have that really don't concern you at all.


i need to remind myself of that a lot.


also: have you ever noticed that the BEST grandparent/grandchild/child relationships work when the grandparents don't live next door?

because we lived far away from my grandparents, my parents were able to raise me the way THEY wanted to (it was their turn, it was their god given right, i was born to them). using what they had learned from their parents that was good, and omitting what they had learned from their parents that was bad. i feel like that was a really healthy way for me to be brought up.

i never, ever saw my parents being belittled or criticized by my grandparents, and i ALWAYS knew that my parent's say was the LAST. grandma and grandpa were NOT in charge- they were just awesome friends who spoiled me to death and i love them better for it.

R E S P E C T

i'm just interested in how family dynamics come into play when grandchildren see grandparents parenting their children (instead of treating them like the adults that they are) and their children's children. i think it's unhealthy.

what are your thoughts?


ps. i am NOT saying that i wouldn't miss being away from my parents or my in laws if we did live far away, or that i wouldn't miss all my siblins and inlawsiblins and their kids and family, i think i really would- but i AM saying i would really really really really like it if we lived in our own home in another state.
someday.
WHICH DOES NOT MEAN I AM UNGRATEFUL TO BE HERE CLOSE TO IN LAWS AND FAMILY AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE. i am only sharing what i have learned/think
thank you.

find out

the chickens are stalking around in the rain, soaking wet feathers plastered down over their bums so they look like old court ball gowns. strutting back and forth, crying out at the down-pouring sky as if that would make it stop. the grass looks like it is becoming greener with each passing hour of rain, and the rock wall peers out dolefully still and silent and unmoving and the changing world. there are small garden lights lining the backyard and i wonder if they even work, i wonder where the switch for them is if there is one at all anymore. if there is, it is forgotten in this big house, lined up next to light switches used much more often. i leave most of the lights off during the day except for the kitchen and so the house is cold and dark and almost mirrors the stone wall outside with the exception of dryness.

the rain drips from the tree branches outside, pulling them outward, soaking wet, soft bark. today im not sure how i feel. ive come and go through the day, wondering what i should do, and feeling at the same time overwhelmed by what must be done. i am cold and hot, i am motivated and passive. today isn't a lazy day... i know that. there is just so much i need to start new again. im wondering what inside me is changing that cant be seen yet- like the flowers outside and the grass and every living thing in spring.

tonight i am attempting fresh beans, parm risotto- butternut squash and maybe chicken. someday i'll learn how to just cook for two people. by then there will be more and then perhaps i wont have to learn at all!

we have two small daffodils that have bloomed in the backyard. they look so random, and separate, even though they are the same kind- they stand blooming in opposite directions like angry siblings. they make me laugh.

the daffodils in the front are too plenty... they crowd each other out, and are bi polar- blooming tall one day and lying completely flat and brown another. the tulips keep popping out and being eaten down by the deer, in spite of the daffodils planted to keep the deer at bay surrounding each tulip.

yesterday i watched in wonder for a full hour at the baby sitting next to me. every thing he held had some form of entertainment for him. each cheerio, his socks, a pen. i watched his world expanding with every thing he picked up. he was just learning to walk. so this world was opening with each step. i wonder what is coming into my world, what tangible things, or even the intangible- were entering my sphere of consciousness.

there is the obvious- grace. she moves more and more each day. i can't wait for her to be in my arms and here already. this journey seems so much longer towards the end. grace is supposed to be born two days exactly a year from when brandon came home from afghanistan.

how did she know we needed her right now?

in truth, there are some days where i feel disappointed, that i didn't do more with my life before i brought this new life here. where i feel like i wasn't selfish enough with my time, that there is still so much to see of the world. the sense of being tied down to another person is kind of a scary thing. don't get me wrong, it is all i've ever wanted- in fact, it was the first thing i truly knew i wanted to be- a mom. but, that doesn't make it any easier when you view the differing paths that people my age are taking and where they are going. and feeling a little stuck.

this weather makes it feel like seven at night. and it's only two thirty. is that how i am viewing my life? like i don't have more time than i actually do?

i guess i'll find out.

messterpieces

today ive decided im going to write a book titled

"the headache named harry"

if you know who i'm talking about then you know how i came up with that one.

maybe.

it hasnt snowed YET today andi am crossing my fingers like a crasy lady in hopes that the sun comes back and stays for my mom/little brother's trip here.
today i went a little crazy and spackled some holes i've put in this house... the spackle is so weird it is pink and then turns white when it's dry- but for a while i was thinkin i'd stuck pink spackling on the walls.

are pink patches on the walls a worse problem than holes? probably not.

today i discovered nienie. i mean, i knew OF her since everyone and their mom follows her but i didn't know ABOUT her, or who she is or what she's been through and i have to say it was incredibly humbling to read her story today. if you haven't heard of her, you should look her up on google nie nie dialogue and watch her youtube clip from mormon messages.

some days i feel totally incapable of being beautiful. inside and out. and her story has really put life into perspective for me, about what is important and what's not, about all the wonderful things life has to offer each one of us and how all we have to do is open our eyes and reach out and touch those things.
grab em and hold on to them.

i feel like her life story also has prepared me more fully to be a mother. in all, i am very grateful i decided to stumble upon her blog and actually read it. there is so much we assume about someone from the outside alone. and when i say we, i really mean me people. sorry to group you all into this.

im just have a messterpiece kind of day you know? those days where you are waiting for something to go wrong. the dishes are piling high, the laundry doesnt leap up into your arms for you to put away, and you feel like heartburn is the plague of your existance?

these things are validating that i'm alive.

it is so good to be alive.
i need to remember that every day, not just days like this one.

will you help me remember that?

when life gives you change

hey you
yeah,
you.
housework is NOT THAT HARD when you actually do it.

just a reminder that you dont need to put off things because they are "too hard"
albeit as you get huger it is much more difficult to bend over- so laundry and vacuuming are kinda sorta hard but not TOO HARD.

maybe it's that spring has sprung (ish) today, or something... but i've cleaned out the garage, taken out the garbage, done four loads of laundry, folded towels, found socks, done a load of dishes heavy duty style, vacuumed the living room, entry, and kitchen, watered the lawn and the strawberries, cleaned out the car and i'm still looking for stuff to do!

i really want to find some fabric for my crib skirt (do i need a pattern for this?) and i'd like to make some crib sheets too if possible... i've decided grey crib sheet, and coral pink skirt.

also my back is KILLING me, i think i'm overdue for a massage and a haircut. but my hair just started growing! i dont want to cut it! but it's time people. it's time. i wish i could chop it all off and ahve short itch free/ easy hair for the summer. that would be THE BEST. but b likes it long so im going to try to keep it that way. although even if i get a tiny trim- it takes FOREVER to grow back.

even if i drink vitamin e all day.

im serious.

lately random people have been finding my blog and it's sort of nice. although then i feel guilty for writing the nonsense that i do all the time about things that dont even matter to other people and why would other people even want to read them? i don't know... all i know is someone named haley gave me a recipe for cookie dough cupcakes and i'm not sure if i'll ever be the same... interesting how a complete stranger can change your life in the blogosphere. (just kidding but i'm kind of not because cookie dough cupcakes? that's amazing.)


it must be this nesting instinct but i'm seriously itching to travel. anywhere. i want to get on a boat or a plane or ANYTHING but that would be one of the worst things i can do being this pregnant.