find out

the chickens are stalking around in the rain, soaking wet feathers plastered down over their bums so they look like old court ball gowns. strutting back and forth, crying out at the down-pouring sky as if that would make it stop. the grass looks like it is becoming greener with each passing hour of rain, and the rock wall peers out dolefully still and silent and unmoving and the changing world. there are small garden lights lining the backyard and i wonder if they even work, i wonder where the switch for them is if there is one at all anymore. if there is, it is forgotten in this big house, lined up next to light switches used much more often. i leave most of the lights off during the day except for the kitchen and so the house is cold and dark and almost mirrors the stone wall outside with the exception of dryness.

the rain drips from the tree branches outside, pulling them outward, soaking wet, soft bark. today im not sure how i feel. ive come and go through the day, wondering what i should do, and feeling at the same time overwhelmed by what must be done. i am cold and hot, i am motivated and passive. today isn't a lazy day... i know that. there is just so much i need to start new again. im wondering what inside me is changing that cant be seen yet- like the flowers outside and the grass and every living thing in spring.

tonight i am attempting fresh beans, parm risotto- butternut squash and maybe chicken. someday i'll learn how to just cook for two people. by then there will be more and then perhaps i wont have to learn at all!

we have two small daffodils that have bloomed in the backyard. they look so random, and separate, even though they are the same kind- they stand blooming in opposite directions like angry siblings. they make me laugh.

the daffodils in the front are too plenty... they crowd each other out, and are bi polar- blooming tall one day and lying completely flat and brown another. the tulips keep popping out and being eaten down by the deer, in spite of the daffodils planted to keep the deer at bay surrounding each tulip.

yesterday i watched in wonder for a full hour at the baby sitting next to me. every thing he held had some form of entertainment for him. each cheerio, his socks, a pen. i watched his world expanding with every thing he picked up. he was just learning to walk. so this world was opening with each step. i wonder what is coming into my world, what tangible things, or even the intangible- were entering my sphere of consciousness.

there is the obvious- grace. she moves more and more each day. i can't wait for her to be in my arms and here already. this journey seems so much longer towards the end. grace is supposed to be born two days exactly a year from when brandon came home from afghanistan.

how did she know we needed her right now?

in truth, there are some days where i feel disappointed, that i didn't do more with my life before i brought this new life here. where i feel like i wasn't selfish enough with my time, that there is still so much to see of the world. the sense of being tied down to another person is kind of a scary thing. don't get me wrong, it is all i've ever wanted- in fact, it was the first thing i truly knew i wanted to be- a mom. but, that doesn't make it any easier when you view the differing paths that people my age are taking and where they are going. and feeling a little stuck.

this weather makes it feel like seven at night. and it's only two thirty. is that how i am viewing my life? like i don't have more time than i actually do?

i guess i'll find out.