"so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache"

-Neruda

paris!

http://ohhappyday.com/2011/06/goes-to-paris


BEST. GIVEAWAY. EVER.

"Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

EVICTION

aarrhghhghhgghhh
i want this baby OUUT!!!!!!!
im issuing an eviction NOTICE

im raising the rent!


i want to run a marathon and eat spicy foods and drink red raspberry leaf tea and stick evening primrose capsels where they shouldnt go, and dtd (actually thats one thing i really dont want to do) and eat an entire pineapple, take warm baths, have my membranes stripped, be dialted to a four, and eat these weird labor cookies, and mow the lawn, walk the curb, drink castor oil, and do squats!

i want my water to fully break instead of just leaking out for days and days
i want to hold my child and use my breast pump and make brandon change his first dirty diaper!

i want her to pack her umbilical cord and placenta and move out!!!!


i want the hollywood water breaking moment!

i want her to stop kicking me in the ribs! i want her to face the right way so i dont have terrible back labor!

i want my OB to talk to me about anesthetic options! i want the epidural now!

i want him to tell me that i have to be induced immediately and i dont have a choice!

i want to have regular pooing habits again, and to fit into my clothes!


i want to dress her in all the adorable things in her closet!
i want to change her diapers and have her spit up all over me!

i want that baby smell!
i want to fall asleep with her in the rockingchair!

i want to be the comfort!

i want to finish packing my hospital back, i want to practice breathing and i want to get in the car, drive to the hospital and HAVE THIS BABY!

im serious!!!!!! i'll do it! i will!

IM GOING CRAZY WAITING PEOPLE!

jacqueling.

dear jacqueling,
never ever ever buy/look at boden mini website for little girls EVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN! holy cow i want to buy everything for grace!

and it's not even her size yet!
ahhrhghjkljioalkmg!
love
jacqueling.

she's the image of loveliness.

this may or may not be funny to anyone but i was craving gelatin candies- like gummy worms, gummy bears, peach ohs, watermelon ohs, and chocolate covered almonds and macaroni salad.

so brandon went to the store to get me those things because
i'm not dressed/cute enough to go anywhere.

seriously,
he asked me to wait in the car.

in his defense, i am wearing bright yellow shorts, have hairy sunburned legs, a bloody lip thats chapped, stringy greasy hair, and a pregnancy shirt that still shows my belly because it's too small that has big butterflies all over it.

yeah

the image of loveliness.

i miss my short hair so so so much on hot days like this.

DEAR DUMB DOG OF MINE: IT'S RAINING, SEEK SHELTER IN THE 200 DOLLAR IGLOO I BOUGHT YOU!
LOVE,
JACQUELINE

just a military complaint.

for people who fight for justice and freedom, their bosses sure do a good job at being the most unjust and ignorant pricks ever.

if you can't pay the people who work for you on time and in the correct amount and more than 2.50 an hour

then you should probably change things.


just saying uncle sam- you have no problem taking out of my paycheck every single month to fund your political campaigns and stupid space trips,

but you can't pay my husband and all his buddies on time for putting their lives on the line so that you can sit in your cushy offices with your feet up and play golf on the weekends without being blown up.

really?

allll wet!

brrr brr brr brr! it's FREEZING! AWAAAHHH, i hope it doesnt snow! please don't snow! it's been dripping rain all morning and poor dash has just been outside this whole time because he will eat everything in the garage if i put him in there to be dry. poor fellow./ maybe i'll just stick him in his kennel. but that's so sad!

today i am running around like a chicken with her head cut off- wake up, take b to work, run home, print off a ton of papers for WIC, dress, meet with wic, run off to pick b up from work at 10, drop him off at school, run home, run to the grocery store, make dinner, run back to pick up b, come home. wahlah!

for most people this is a normal day, for me it is going to be exhausting! if i dont get a nap nowadays i seriously melt into a disgusting pile of whine! i sound like a baby child that desperately needs to take a sleep but wont because they are too tired!

it's true.
ask b.

no stretch marks on the tummy yet, but serious itching.
what does that mean? am i honestly going to get bigger? WHERE?!
how?!

why?!?

grace should gain an ounce a day for the rest of this process.
i think... it might be per week...
i may have read that wrong.

she kicks constantly and ESPECIALLY when she hears one of these three people (which i think is interesting)
1. brandon
2. my mom
3. brandon's mom.


isn't that strange?

she doesn't usually kick a TON when i'm talking to her, (so when she does i get oober excited and drooly and talk forever)

but i think it's sweet that she kicks when those people are talking.

even when i'm just ichatting with my mom she does.
it's cool.

i'm glad it's raining a little because the strawberries needed some water i think.

on saturday b and kirby built a chicken fence... so the chicks no longer have the free range of the entire back yard- they were pretty upset about it- but not nearly as upset as when i grabbed them and tossed them over the almost 8 foot chicken wire fence into their new home.

that was apparently unforgivable.

even though they all flew safely down.

stinkers.

they are going to be bored out of their minds over there. i hope they dont start trying to get on top of the coop/ in the trees because then they will just dissapear forever and i'll miss them terribly. i already miss them walking aorund the whole back yard- it seems really boring without them playing on the playset and pooping on everything.

i keep packing and unpacking my suitcase and right now im in hospital limbo because i cant remember what i've unpacked and what i've repacked and what i need to pack again.

my mom says to just hand brandon a list and let him pack it when i'm ready to go- and i had to laugh because b can't find anything by himself. he really cannot. last night he asked me where the astringent was when it was right in front of his face.
literally.
but he didn't even use the word astringent: he said "where is that face thingy"
and i knew what he was talking about.

so for me to make a list that says
-one change of comfy maternity clothes

i dont even know what kind of mental breakdown that may create in his mind.

dont get me wrong, the man is a genius- really, truly very intelligent, and deep, and can get things done on his own- but when it comes to my stuff, or really anything around the house that is put away- he is totally and utterly lost.

dash is crying and i hate that sound.
so im gonna let him in even though he'll probably get me all wet

!

one thru nein

random thoughts

1. there's a plastic blow up ball in the backyard that is now deflated, was it pecked to death by the chickens?

2. why are the BEST fruit leathers also the most impossible to get seperated from the plastic wrap? why?! HOW DO CHILDREN EAT THESE THINGS?

3. i'm having one "of those" days where you wake up and want to take on the world, and every single project you've put off for oh 8 months of sicky pregnancy. watch out.

4. cereal does make me sick when i'm prego in the late stages- but i dont care because i cannot function without LIFE and MINI WHEATS.

5. the rash on my arm hasn't gone away and i'm not sure if it's a spreadable rash or if it's just an outbreak of exzema from prego hormoneees.

6. where are all the people who used to be in my life? i feel like i've lost them in space time/internet limbo and i'll never get them back.

7. this rash is also disturbing because it is a perfect circle...

8. this one is super personal. so i cant write it here. but just know that there is hope for you if you are like me. talk to your obgyn so that you wont have a weird/dreaded/i'm broken attitude on intimacy your whole married life. kthnx.

9. things to do, lots and lots of things to do. breakfast is over and i have no more excuses to be at this table on this computer.

oh hi 400 dollar electric bill. oh hi 600 dollar gas bill.

so nice of you to be past due.

oh hi tax refund for 2010

oh BYE tax refund for 2010.

shoot me now

how are we going to afford a babychild?!?!? lkjgo;iurhg;aopjmwgk

blabbedy blah

life always feels better when you are concentrating on other people's problems rather than facing your own.

but life IS better when you are facing your own problems instead of concentrating on the problems other people have that really don't concern you at all.


i need to remind myself of that a lot.


also: have you ever noticed that the BEST grandparent/grandchild/child relationships work when the grandparents don't live next door?

because we lived far away from my grandparents, my parents were able to raise me the way THEY wanted to (it was their turn, it was their god given right, i was born to them). using what they had learned from their parents that was good, and omitting what they had learned from their parents that was bad. i feel like that was a really healthy way for me to be brought up.

i never, ever saw my parents being belittled or criticized by my grandparents, and i ALWAYS knew that my parent's say was the LAST. grandma and grandpa were NOT in charge- they were just awesome friends who spoiled me to death and i love them better for it.

R E S P E C T

i'm just interested in how family dynamics come into play when grandchildren see grandparents parenting their children (instead of treating them like the adults that they are) and their children's children. i think it's unhealthy.

what are your thoughts?


ps. i am NOT saying that i wouldn't miss being away from my parents or my in laws if we did live far away, or that i wouldn't miss all my siblins and inlawsiblins and their kids and family, i think i really would- but i AM saying i would really really really really like it if we lived in our own home in another state.
someday.
WHICH DOES NOT MEAN I AM UNGRATEFUL TO BE HERE CLOSE TO IN LAWS AND FAMILY AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE. i am only sharing what i have learned/think
thank you.

find out

the chickens are stalking around in the rain, soaking wet feathers plastered down over their bums so they look like old court ball gowns. strutting back and forth, crying out at the down-pouring sky as if that would make it stop. the grass looks like it is becoming greener with each passing hour of rain, and the rock wall peers out dolefully still and silent and unmoving and the changing world. there are small garden lights lining the backyard and i wonder if they even work, i wonder where the switch for them is if there is one at all anymore. if there is, it is forgotten in this big house, lined up next to light switches used much more often. i leave most of the lights off during the day except for the kitchen and so the house is cold and dark and almost mirrors the stone wall outside with the exception of dryness.

the rain drips from the tree branches outside, pulling them outward, soaking wet, soft bark. today im not sure how i feel. ive come and go through the day, wondering what i should do, and feeling at the same time overwhelmed by what must be done. i am cold and hot, i am motivated and passive. today isn't a lazy day... i know that. there is just so much i need to start new again. im wondering what inside me is changing that cant be seen yet- like the flowers outside and the grass and every living thing in spring.

tonight i am attempting fresh beans, parm risotto- butternut squash and maybe chicken. someday i'll learn how to just cook for two people. by then there will be more and then perhaps i wont have to learn at all!

we have two small daffodils that have bloomed in the backyard. they look so random, and separate, even though they are the same kind- they stand blooming in opposite directions like angry siblings. they make me laugh.

the daffodils in the front are too plenty... they crowd each other out, and are bi polar- blooming tall one day and lying completely flat and brown another. the tulips keep popping out and being eaten down by the deer, in spite of the daffodils planted to keep the deer at bay surrounding each tulip.

yesterday i watched in wonder for a full hour at the baby sitting next to me. every thing he held had some form of entertainment for him. each cheerio, his socks, a pen. i watched his world expanding with every thing he picked up. he was just learning to walk. so this world was opening with each step. i wonder what is coming into my world, what tangible things, or even the intangible- were entering my sphere of consciousness.

there is the obvious- grace. she moves more and more each day. i can't wait for her to be in my arms and here already. this journey seems so much longer towards the end. grace is supposed to be born two days exactly a year from when brandon came home from afghanistan.

how did she know we needed her right now?

in truth, there are some days where i feel disappointed, that i didn't do more with my life before i brought this new life here. where i feel like i wasn't selfish enough with my time, that there is still so much to see of the world. the sense of being tied down to another person is kind of a scary thing. don't get me wrong, it is all i've ever wanted- in fact, it was the first thing i truly knew i wanted to be- a mom. but, that doesn't make it any easier when you view the differing paths that people my age are taking and where they are going. and feeling a little stuck.

this weather makes it feel like seven at night. and it's only two thirty. is that how i am viewing my life? like i don't have more time than i actually do?

i guess i'll find out.

messterpieces

today ive decided im going to write a book titled

"the headache named harry"

if you know who i'm talking about then you know how i came up with that one.

maybe.

it hasnt snowed YET today andi am crossing my fingers like a crasy lady in hopes that the sun comes back and stays for my mom/little brother's trip here.
today i went a little crazy and spackled some holes i've put in this house... the spackle is so weird it is pink and then turns white when it's dry- but for a while i was thinkin i'd stuck pink spackling on the walls.

are pink patches on the walls a worse problem than holes? probably not.

today i discovered nienie. i mean, i knew OF her since everyone and their mom follows her but i didn't know ABOUT her, or who she is or what she's been through and i have to say it was incredibly humbling to read her story today. if you haven't heard of her, you should look her up on google nie nie dialogue and watch her youtube clip from mormon messages.

some days i feel totally incapable of being beautiful. inside and out. and her story has really put life into perspective for me, about what is important and what's not, about all the wonderful things life has to offer each one of us and how all we have to do is open our eyes and reach out and touch those things.
grab em and hold on to them.

i feel like her life story also has prepared me more fully to be a mother. in all, i am very grateful i decided to stumble upon her blog and actually read it. there is so much we assume about someone from the outside alone. and when i say we, i really mean me people. sorry to group you all into this.

im just have a messterpiece kind of day you know? those days where you are waiting for something to go wrong. the dishes are piling high, the laundry doesnt leap up into your arms for you to put away, and you feel like heartburn is the plague of your existance?

these things are validating that i'm alive.

it is so good to be alive.
i need to remember that every day, not just days like this one.

will you help me remember that?

when life gives you change

hey you
yeah,
you.
housework is NOT THAT HARD when you actually do it.

just a reminder that you dont need to put off things because they are "too hard"
albeit as you get huger it is much more difficult to bend over- so laundry and vacuuming are kinda sorta hard but not TOO HARD.

maybe it's that spring has sprung (ish) today, or something... but i've cleaned out the garage, taken out the garbage, done four loads of laundry, folded towels, found socks, done a load of dishes heavy duty style, vacuumed the living room, entry, and kitchen, watered the lawn and the strawberries, cleaned out the car and i'm still looking for stuff to do!

i really want to find some fabric for my crib skirt (do i need a pattern for this?) and i'd like to make some crib sheets too if possible... i've decided grey crib sheet, and coral pink skirt.

also my back is KILLING me, i think i'm overdue for a massage and a haircut. but my hair just started growing! i dont want to cut it! but it's time people. it's time. i wish i could chop it all off and ahve short itch free/ easy hair for the summer. that would be THE BEST. but b likes it long so im going to try to keep it that way. although even if i get a tiny trim- it takes FOREVER to grow back.

even if i drink vitamin e all day.

im serious.

lately random people have been finding my blog and it's sort of nice. although then i feel guilty for writing the nonsense that i do all the time about things that dont even matter to other people and why would other people even want to read them? i don't know... all i know is someone named haley gave me a recipe for cookie dough cupcakes and i'm not sure if i'll ever be the same... interesting how a complete stranger can change your life in the blogosphere. (just kidding but i'm kind of not because cookie dough cupcakes? that's amazing.)


it must be this nesting instinct but i'm seriously itching to travel. anywhere. i want to get on a boat or a plane or ANYTHING but that would be one of the worst things i can do being this pregnant.

it's easy to love somebody, for all the good in people there is bound to be somebody who will be so delightful that you fall,

but now i think, that true love is when you love somebody who is acting unlovable.

me and valentine's day have never gotten along, now because it's on the weekend it is lasting... all... weekend... long.


valentine's, i'm giving up on you- you terrible, disappointing holiday. that and every year my uncle outdoes himself for my aunt- last year he got a blown up teddybear and blocked the driveway with it, this year was a balloon arch over the whole house.

happy, stinkin, valentine's day.


and seriously? if you work at victoria's secret, how could you leave the security sensor on my scanties?! it's not like i dont have enough going on right around my stomach right now. but honestly that was the icing on top of the cake this week. putting on the cutest thing i could find and finding it had a big plastic sensor on it.

and now my husband thinks im a thief,
sweet.

today is the worst day of my entire life.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake...
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life...
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

19 weeks until i die from child labor.

I CANT WAIT.

also, dash just hurt himself running to be with me.
also, i just sneezed
and i think its going to snow...

so i better go check on the chickens.

hope they arent frozen.

FISH

if you have a reference that you don't want people to contact but it's your only job related- specific reference, like oh say- for nannying, do you give it or do you just say you have nannying experience but would prefer other references?

isnt that fishy>?

pEANUT QUIT KICKING MY INSIDES!

things ive had enough of

1. fat free milk : what? why?
2. spanish cable shows.
3. gas.

who is george? and why do we swear BY him?

by george?

so, im learning to do the whole mother transition thing. it's really hard. i feel like brandon has no interest in me or anything i care about anymore. its hard to make our relationship interesting and fun, or even routine. we have no designated time for ourselves, and he devotes all of his attentions to his job and school and the marines. we only have conversation about his life, and when i try to talk about how i feel about mine- i feel tuned out and totally depreciated. it's never as important as sleep or school or his relaxing time or working out. the only time i feel like he is showing me any attention is when i cook him something or do something nice for him. i hate feeling this way. it is shattering to my self esteem. i have no confidence, no job, no friends, and no family pretty much. all i have is dash, some chickens and a big empty house. and brandon doesnt even want to hear about those things. i wish i knew how to communicate so that he would listen to me. not just about the house, our dog, our finances, our bills, and his schooling. listen to ME. about me. have interest in me. without yelling and crying. i am tired of waking up in the middle of the night and watching him, wondering if he ever even thinks of me, when i feel like all i do is think of him and what i can possibly do to make him love me again.
he says he does
but
his attitude doesn't.

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” -- Woody Allen

"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." --W.H. Auden

“I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.” -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it." -- John Steinbeck

why do they even make any other flavor of jolly ranchers besides watermelon and cherry? what's the point?!@